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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in lolalita's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, December 12th, 2000
5:31 pm
For my next act....
Nope I'm not done yet, I just like to keep my entries shortish, especially cause (now obvious to me) I'm a retard when it comes to formatting.



So where was I..oh yes..in HELL!

Yeah, so a few of you commentors

I've noticed have found moi

through the Transmetropolitan link.

Shoulda known, buncha comic book

geeks would be wasting there time

on the net with these depositories of

drivel...like me, ha ha.



Yeah, well, I'm not huge comic book collector--

records come first, then clothes, then zines, then

worthless nick naks, then comic books.



Hah, glad I got that cleared up.



I'm about to eat and I am soo hungry.

Even after the Doritos and hummus pita.

Hey, they don't call me the

"human garbage disposal" for nothing!



So, I'll be back laters....meaning later

this afternoon.



Things I will expound upon:



Community and Love: two of the most

abused words in the English language.



Nostalgia and death to the 70's, plus my

death to all moustaches manifesto



Speaking of manifestos and death

I've been reading SCUM by Valerie Solanas (the "I shot andy warhol" lass), What is to be Done

by Lenin (sexy commie!), 100 Years of Solitude,

and Pimp by Iceberg Slim.

..And I WONDER why I'm so confused and conflicted all of the time!



And if that's to high-brow for ya, later

I'll go off about my horrible diet consisting

of 90% Dairy and 10% Chocolate!



...and the topic voted "most likely" to attract people to you're site...drumroll...

Sexual Identity!!



Stayed tuned....
5:31 pm
For my next act....
Nope I'm not done yet, I just like to keep my entries shortish, especially cause (now obvious to me) I'm a retard when it comes to formatting.



So where was I..oh yes..in HELL!

Yeah, so a few of you commentors

I've noticed have found moi

through the Transmetropolitan link.

Shoulda known, buncha comic book

geeks would be wasting there time

on the net with these depositories of

drivel...like me, ha ha.



Yeah, well, I'm not huge comic book collector--

records come first, then clothes, then zines, then

worthless nick naks, then comic books.



Hah, glad I got that cleared up.



I'm about to eat and I am soo hungry.

Even after the Doritos and hummus pita.

Hey, they don't call me the

"human garbage disposal" for nothing!



So, I'll be back laters....meaning later

this afternoon.



Things I will expound upon:



Community and Love: two of the most

abused words in the English language.



Nostalgia and death to the 70's, plus my

death to all moustaches manifesto



Speaking of manifestos and death

I've been reading SCUM by Valerie Solanas (the "I shot andy warhol" lass), What is to be Done

by Lenin (sexy commie!), 100 Years of Solitude,

and Pimp by Iceberg Slim.

..And I WONDER why I'm so confused and conflicted all of the time!



And if that's to high-brow for ya, later

I'll go off about my horrible diet consisting

of 90% Dairy and 10% Chocolate!



...and the topic voted "most likely" to attract people to you're site...drumroll...

Sexual Identity!!



Stayed tuned....
5:31 pm
Hellfire and Termites
Suprise! I'm actually updating!

A great thing about these LiveJournals is that

you update them everyday, the bad thing about

these these LiveJournals is that you can update them everyday. Sooo, another day goes by and no

updatey, and another and another...

To think y'all wasted a whole week waiting on

lil' ole me to update! KIDDING!



Well, hold on cause I got an eye full of tears and a jumbo bag of "Even More Disgustingly Cheesier

and Vomit-smelling Than Before!!!!" Doritos.





No, this isn't another pity party number #999999999999. I itched the corner of my eye

with said Dorito cheese powder on my finger and

now I am partially blinded in my right eye.



Man, life is sooooo hard duuuude!



Yup, I'm in sassy mood and a tad cranky

cause I had to make business cards at work today,

plus deal with the landlord in the morning while

my shit-cave remains in shatters.



As I type these very words, I sit atop

a giant plastic sheet covering the entire

apt. protecting the scum-soaked, brown shag carpeting (which is going to be replaced

anyway!) from a gaping, dust coughing gash in

the ceiling. Fun day!



And it's all because my housemates and I worship

SATAN! That's right! We suck beezlebub's

cock and are proud of it! At least according to

the son of the termite exterminator who

paid us a visit last week.

I was not present, but my housemate

was asked by this 16 yr-old kid "who

he followed?". Satan was not the first thing

to enter his mind, nor was Mr. God for that matter, so he just said "Huh?" Cutting to the

chase,the kid was like "Do you follow Satan?"

Damn I wish I was there! I would have lit some candles and dipped into my fake blood reserves in

the bathroom! Where's that rubber chicken....



So, anyhow, my housemate said "Marx" but that he didn't really "follow" him he just studied his theories....but there's no use getting out of that one...



Reasons he thought we worship Satan (guessing):



The huge poster of the Misfits in full Devil-lock

regalia



The Gene Simmons plastic action figure



A picture of Cal Ripkin,Jr with the

word "Cock" written over his head in 72 pt font



The "Black Death" flyer in the bathroom from

some stupid goth club in Philly



Signed picture of Gunnar Hanson from

Tx. Chainsaw Massacre



Musical instruments ( instruments of the

devil doncha know!!)



Books on Communism and Socialism prominitly

displayed on our contertop (never trust

a Red! Red like the fires of hell!!!)



A picture of shiva (pagan gods)



A Jesus air freshener hung upside down (sacrilage!)



And the # 1 reason the termite exterminator's

son thought we are agents of the devil:



Our apartment is infested with termites!!!!



(The last one is not a guess, this is what

he told my housemate)



Well than, I guess yer daddy profits of the

devils handywork!! (Saddistic laugh....)



Yes, so forget the locusts, bring on the termites...it does indeed seem as if we are living in hell.
Saturday, November 25th, 2000
10:26 pm
List # 1 in a series.......
All of a sudden I feel really exposed...
but there are so many journals on here I hope to be lost in the shuffle....anyhooo:

Today:

Woke up at 10am

Pumpkin pie and MTV for breakfast
(quick note, i don't have cable at my apt.
so I'm watching my parent's house this weekend
stocked with food, beverage and cable TV)

watched TV for about 5 hours! Yes, I am ashamed!

then listened to music and watched TV for anoter
hour--a truly multi-media experience! Look above..
I can't even smell anymore...I mean spell!!

listened to Fugazi and Woodie Guthrie and
The Who and Cole Porter and Freddie King if you must know.

ate more pie and coffee and topped it with
choco cake. Tis the season for gluttoney!

played geetar for a while and then got on the demon box.

tonite I will return to the shit cave and
then go out to see this metal band
black manta.

perhaps try to go with people, but will probably go alone. (horrible at making plans!)

this day has been a waste of space really, but it has been nice being alone for a change. peaceful and slothful.

G'day!
10:04 pm
PUKE!!!
Oh boy..re-reading my previous post I think I need
a bag to puke in! That's it, I'm renouncing coffee totally-it's destroying what's left of my mind!

Please kill me if I use anymore overdramatic
metaphors trying to sound all deep..but it really just comes off as bad high shool drama workshop crap!

Ewwwwww....ah, o.k., where to go from there....
These journals DO cater to unhealthy self-indulgence!

It definitly brings out bad things in me....
and I don't need any more of that right now!


I think from now on I will just list my day's activities in line format...that's what interests me most in other people's journals..I'm just nosey and like to see what others are doing....
Monday, November 20th, 2000
7:03 pm
Abridged Muck
Alright, no more pussy-footin'!
Here's the real deal...the shorthand for the last entry:

I'm not sure what I want in my life.
I'm not sure if I want a man in my life.
I'm not sure if I only want women in my life
(not in general, of course, in "that" way).
I'm not sure if I'm just bored with men, with boyfriends or if I truly am a full-on snatch licking dyke.
I'm not sure if I want to stay where I am, with what I've already "built."
I'm not sure I fully appreciate everything.
I'm not sure I know who I am yet.
I'm not sure if I should make a drastric change just for a change.
I'm not sure if I could live with myself if I didn't.

Got it?
Sunday, October 22nd, 2000
6:56 pm
Abridged Muck
Alright, no more pussy-footin'!
Here's the real deal...the shorthand for the last entry:

I'm not sure what I want in my life.
I'm not sure if I want a man in my life.
I'm not sure if I only want women in my life
(not in general, of course, in "that" way).
I'm not sure if I'm just bored with men, with boyfriends or if I truly am a full-on snatch licking dyke.
I'm not sure if I want to stay where I am, with what I've already "built."
I'm not sure I fully appreciate everything.
I'm not sure I know who I am yet.
I'm not sure if I should make a drastric change just for a change.
I'm not sure if I could live with myself if I didn't.

Got it?
6:48 pm
Oh gee, it's been so long since I've updated this thing, I forgot my password. Thank god for that recovery message. Well, good news is I've been too busy to pay mind to my little cyber-domain...but
the bad news is, well, just life. Busy=distracted not necessarily fulfilling. I'm at a point where I don't even know what exactly to write...at least nothing that would make sense to any outside reader. But, hell, this is cheap therapy to me.
So if I lose you, cut you off at the pass, make wild u-turns and frequent, irrational stops please don't hesistate to get off at the nearest exit rolling on to another, more coherent, friendlier journal.

Sometimes my self-loathing morphs into a complete,
nullifying boredom..and that's good. That's our built in mechanism to prevent us from sliding too far into the pity hole. Self-boredom, in the best scenarios, brings on self-examination, and
finally makes us take ourselves less seriously.
Which in turn allows us to pay more attention to others, rather than stewing in our own, rancid
juices. Scientifically, action, change, movement occurs with mutiples--molecules bouncing of one another in a tight-fitted dance, cells dividing,
creating new life. It's all about the multiples.

Does that make any sense? Circular logic? Or
just illogical? I really don't know.
But I do know I have an excrutiating tendency to
stew, to wallow, and finally---to recede.
To shy away from other people who are essentially the lifeblood of, well, living. Often times,
I'm filled with a crippling paranoia. Usually this paranoia follows a large amoung of attention...i.e. after some kind of performance or public event. Typical tortured artist bullshit, actually. But I don't really think "tortured" is the right word. It's more like "perpetually unsatisfied."

It's like I keep stomping on my own foot, and I know I'm only hurting myself, at least my brain comprehends it, but I can't stop the physical action. Eventually, the damage will be permenant.

So why? So what? Yes, there are some specifics to this mish-mash of confused emotion and pseudo-
oprah-crack psychological banter.

I'm fuckin restless where I am, but afraid to give up what I have. Afraid of "throwing it all away."
Of being selfish, of being alone, of being cosmically rejected in the form of a new life full of nothing because I couldn't appreicate what I already had before.

A boyfriend who adores me, rubs my feet and
gives me rides to work. An apartment in
a "hot" neighborhood where people
practically sell their organs to live in.
A job hook up that allows me to leave at 1:30 in the afternoon after a 1 hour lunch. A band that
I'm pleased with.. that perhaps has some kind of future.

And I am restless. And it is all so connected, all crosswires and big, black transformers..electronic guts that if I mess with, being an utter technical novice, will kill me by shock.
But left to heat up, I think this machine may just
blow up anyway. So what the hell...take a chance, right?



After all this self-analyzing, I've come a groundbusting conclusion: I need some excercise.
Tuesday, October 3rd, 2000
7:28 pm
Please do read this....
Woah, as not to get too deep or sorry-sappy
a la my last post ("deep" is being used very
liberally!) I'll reveal a few more lolalita
factoids that are much more fun. Warning:
In some of these factoids it may appear that
I am bragging because I AM bragging! You would to
if it happened to you--don't lie! Oh, and
after this we will return to our regularly scheduled (i.e. day-to-day-shit) posts.


---I grew up in a 250 year old house
where it is rumoured George Washington stayed
as well as Dwight Eisenhower. Hence my
fascination with archeology as a child.
Never did find those false teeth. I did, however,
find our septic tank, yummy!

---I own a pair of heirloom underware. Yes,
that's right, my great grandmother's panties!
No, I don't wear them because the ass is streached out to all eternity. But, they
are very smooth silk and I only wish I could find a new duplicate pair today. My grandma gives away stuff, and I can't resist free stuff. Plus I can be a dorky ass, (exhibit A-this journal) and
brag (?) about owning heirloon undies!

--My father runs an music store (now mostly
parts and vintage hifi). AND....drumroll...
it is named after me. No, not lolalita.
That's not my real name, suckas!

--I've met Iron Maiden, ZZ Top and The Hooters.
(#1 SupaBrag, #2 Brag, #3 ahh, well it was fun in the 80's!)

--I can't drive cars worth a shit--I've totaled
one, and been in about 6 accidents since
age 18. I'll stick to skateboards--but
stay the fuck outta my way!!

--I collect the following things:
sea shells, handbags, State-oriented glassware,
comic books, clip art, press on lettering, ridiculous crushes--I don't count records as a "collection" </elitest>

So there you have it, another installment of
I'm so wonderful! Believe me, knowing my moods I'll alternate with ample helpings of "I'm so
pathetic!".


Alrighty, I'm listening to Faust and going nutso,
till later my adoring fans (always need an audience, yet hides from people in "real life"!)
Friday, September 29th, 2000
11:15 pm
Please don't read....
So in light of people looking at this thing,
here are some things I want you to know about me--since I don't have a home page at the moment.
I hope you don't shun me after learning these
seedy facts:


FACT 1--GRANDMA


--I really love my Grandma...she helped raise me
and I feel very close to her.


--We go out to eat at fancy restaurants a lot,
and sometimes go on extravagent vacations.


--Yes, I feel privilaged to hang out with her, but sometimes she gets on my nerves--she has a way of pushing your buttons by pointing out your weaknesses.


---YET, I love her dearly and I worry about her recently because she is almost 80 and starting to feel it though in spirit she is much younger than I. Seeing her reminds me of death sometimes and I hate that. It is a warm pain I feel in my belly.


FACT 2-BOYFRIEND VS. GIRLFRIEND


--I've dated the same boy for almost five years--since my second semester in college. We've had two bands together--one current. Met in German class--yeah--sehr pleisig!. We were friends and bandmates for at least 3 months before the lovebug hit. Lived together for about 4 years-still do.


--BUT, I'm very attracted to girls, and recently even more so. Lets just say I have ISSUES!
The term bi-curious makes me gag, cause the perception of that term is cheap to say the least.
I'm not into girls for fashion--god knows I coulda
pulled that shit in college, but why wait til
AFTER college when there's no weekly feminist circle or lectures to attend!?


--I haven't really "come out" anywhere, besides telling my boy, close friends--but what am I supposed to do--throw an outta the closet BBQ or something?! It's funny...somethings you just don't learn.


--I feel pretty shitty about it because I feel like a flake, or like I'll be perceived as a flake even though it is 95--well, maybe 90% in my head.


--I am also rather frustrated--no sense of community, don't know if I even want
a community--but how the hell do you meet
girls? Do I sound like a dirty old man or what?
I mean, this sounds like the most obvious thing
in the world--but I don't know shit about it!


---I guess I've been struggling with the whole
identity politics stuff, I mean I don't want
a new lifestyle, I like mine just fine, I just want to meet nice girls who want to go out with me.


--Really, almost all of my friends, until recently my co-workers, and my bandmates are men. I think
I've been afraid to hang out with women for fear
of attraction.


--BUT having a b-friend doesn't exactly make me a hot commodity--and I understand why.
He says it is fine, I can have a girlfriend but
words are sooo far removed from actions in
situations of the heart such as this.


--All I do know is that I need to figure out
myself--before anyone gets too hurt. But seems like I have to hurt someone to do this! Fuck me..or, rather, don't!


--SO when in doubt, run away! Yup, that's the best solution I've thought of so far. Run away to
Olympia, Wa. home of the punk-rock-dykes and
open relationships! Oh, some bands come from there too, I think.


--Actually, I have unhealthy infatuations with people I do not really know. I feel like I'm filling myself with popcorn, no real
nutrition.


--The fact that I'm running this topic swiftly into the ground here must point to the fact
that my feelings are more than fashion and
mere curiosity! It is on my mind CONSTANTLY!


--Do I enjoy this, NO! Guilt has got to go!!
But how?


--"It's a four square world, baby
Ain't no room for a boy and a girl"


---ME


END

I have more random things to reveal..but
I am sleepy now and starting to drool.
10:42 pm
"W" Bush or Eminem?
Tonight I am a post junkie! I just have so much on my mind and so much to say--worthwhile or not.

Contrary to that last alarmist post, I am not
jobless...actually I started two timing
the loser .com cause I could smell it rotting away. So I took up part time editing gig at
a .com down the street that actually has an office building with people, cubicles, and copy machines and shit. Oh, and paychecks..those are nice too!


Like I said, the modern world!
The best part is not that I have another job for now--it is prob. a temp situation, big surprise--
but the fact that I only have to work
about 4 or 5 hours a day leaving me to do things
I really want. You know, watch TV, eat corn chips,
QVC shopping, field trips to the outlet malls.


Had ya fooled? Nah, I mean cool arty things
like smoking outside clubs--not actually going in to see the passe band. Shopping for the
purrrfect pair of tite denim trousers, and
field trips to the specialty shoppes to buy
said trousers.


Wrong again! Down Ms. Sarcasm, down!
O.k., fo real! I can practice with my band that actually has a show coming up. I can
do my little drawings and daydream about
the art I want to make someday--when I emerge from
the shit cave I currently reside in.

I can widdle my writing time away pandering to
to fellow nosey noses and exhibitionist--YOU ALL!
10:40 pm
I <3 Insane Clown Posse!
So, back ta business, my business that is which is none of your business, except it is cause I'm posting up! Ahh, the modern world is so damn confusing. Not really, I'm just confused. Are you confused yet with my redundent run-on sentences?


For real though, alternating between grumpy and snappy and wildly energetic and optimistic.
Ah, bipolar--not that drastic, YET.


Well, there are several factors contributing to the above mood swings...the .com I worked for just went outta business--which I saw coming from
100 miles away. What happens when two disgruntled
ex-lawyers with rich daddies decide to
deal in e-commerce for an industry they know nothing about. And not just any industry..foodservice. Well, they fail
relativly rapidly and then back to the law firm!


So I got a steady paycheck for the first time in my life and can honestly say I was a managing editor right out of college. And I don't have to
pay hundreds of thousands of dollars back to
angry family and friends. And I was going
to quit soon anyhow cause I was totally burned out
even though I got to work at home in my undies!


Soo, not a bad time for me at all. The day
they gave me the bad news, I had a hot yuppichino
with my snugggle-buddy, went to see an
indcrediable art exhibit on its last day---
Romaine Brookes!---then took an extended cat nap.


Then I woke up from my cozified slumber, streched my saggy limbs, and thought...WHAT THE FUCK AM I GONNA DO NOW!!


Money...blah, blah...job..blah, blah...rent, bills, savings..blah, blah.....Art?
10:17 pm
Britney or Christina?
Woah! Now I'm freaked out, people are actually responding to these words I'm typing out into space. Well, a couple people anyway! Oh gawd,
I didn't think people would actually see this
drivel...then again why in the world not.
It is on an accessible site BUT like any form of art or communication..it is hard to
believe it's reaching anyone without direct feedback--so thanks for the proof.
10:17 pm
Britney or Christina?
Woah! Now I'm freaked out, people are actually responding to these words I'm typing out into space. Well, a couple people anyway! Oh gawd,
I didn't think people would actually see this
drivel...then again why in the world not.
It is on an accessible site BUT like any form of art or communication..it is hard to
believe it's reaching anyone without direct feedback--so thanks for the proof.
Sunday, September 3rd, 2000
7:06 pm
Please do read this....
Woah, as not to get too deep or sorry-sappy
a la my last post ("deep" is being used very
liberally!) I'll reveal a few more lolalita
factoids that are much more fun. Warning:
In some of these factoids it may appear that
I am bragging because I AM bragging! You would to
if it happened to you--don't lie! Oh, and
after this we will return to our regularly scheduled (i.e. day-to-day-shit) posts.


---I grew up in a 250 year old house
where it is rumoured George Washington stayed
as well as Dwight Eisenhower. Hence my
fascination with archeology as a child.
Never did find those false teeth. I did, however,
find our septic tank, yummy!

---I own a pair of heirloom underware. Yes,
that's right, my great grandmother's panties!
No, I don't wear them because the ass is streached out to all eternity. But, they
are very smooth silk and I only wish I could find a new duplicate pair today. My grandma gives away stuff, and I can't resist free stuff. Plus I can be a dorky ass, (exhibit A-this journal) and
brag (?) about owning heirloon undies!

--My father runs an music store (now mostly
parts and vintage hifi). AND....drumroll...
it is named after me. No, not lolalita.
That's not my real name, suckas!

--I've met Iron Maiden, ZZ Top and The Hooters.
(#1 SupaBrag, #2 Brag, #3 ahh, well it was fun in the 80's!)

--I can't drive cars worth a shit--I've totaled
one, and been in about 6 accidents since
age 18. I'll stick to skateboards--but
stay the fuck outta my way!!

--I collect the following things:
sea shells, handbags, State-oriented glassware,
comic books, clip art, press on lettering, ridiculous crushes--I don't count records as a "collection" </elitest>

So there you have it, another installment of
I'm so wonderful! Believe me, knowing my moods I'll alternate with ample helpings of "I'm so
pathetic!".


Alrighty, I'm listening to Faust and going nutso,
till later my adoring fans (always need an audience, yet hides from people in "real life"!)
1:19 pm
Don't touch my toast with yer dick....
Sorry, the order is all messed up. Below is the latest entry..really.
-----


Yeah, that's right! Good morning, or shall I say good afternoon? Like I'm actually speaking to a captive audience, well humor me will ya!

So my housemate tried to put his thang on my toast...actually I'm not being truthful. I tried to put my toast on his wang because he kept threatning to "git" some toast. So I gave him
some fuckin' toast. Is this as incoherent as I think it is? Good. None of your beeswax anyways!

Back to the real world (no cameras and small-town revelations please)...recovering from a mild clubbing hangover
..I don't drink much so it is purely secondhand smoke/staying up late induced. Saw Jets to Brazil, and Cave-in at this place called the Black Cat.

Realizing that without music I would probably not even have the puny social life I have now. Music, music, music, all about the music man.

More riviting insights later...I need time to compose my jittery thoughts. You'll wait up for me, I know you will....
Friday, September 1st, 2000
10:40 pm
Wild Monkey Sex (Nope!)
You know, the more I read these things (journals, web diaries etc.) the more I feel like
everyone can be typecast. It's really humbling to realize that there are lot of other people like you
in this world. We're really not so special on our own, context is everything.
3:43 am
Too Much Scandal to Handle!
Drinking black coffee..black coffee, drinking black coffee goin' off the WALLS!!
Thursday, August 31st, 2000
11:40 pm
Can't Stay Away...
Wow, that last entry did not take up as much room as I though. We must improve our ramble length!

So, where was I? Oh yes, it is raining. I'm in a basement. I'm at work. I have things I need to do.
I will do them soon.

You know, I'm hoping this journal won't be tooo boring because my life is not that exciting, really. I don't have a stable of friends to
refer back to, I don't sleep around a lot.
Had the same "special-person" for 4 1/2 years.
I get along with my parents. I like my housemates. I just finished school, didn't flunk out. I'm not on medication
unless you count coffee and the occasional candy binge.

Seems like the whole world is on prozac, or
ritalin, or heroin, or viagra. So what the fuck is wrong with me?

Perhaps I'll make things up...create another persona. One with an exciting sex life, a revolving cast of characters and a full schedule.
Is that against on-line ettiquitte? Oh, think I've found my problem....I can't spell!

O.k., so life has been pretty steady....but I'm not necessarily satisfied. As always, just when things
are going smoothly, we have to fuck them up..create problems so we can solve them again. I think that's what I'm about to do....but you'll have to wait for specifics tomorrow.....
11:20 pm
Yo! What up dawgz!
Oh, this is so dorky! I need to be working now but instead I'm messing with this bullshit. So I hope I can entertain some other computer slaves at least.
You know, be a productive member of society!

Well, it is a rainy day here in this lovely suburb
of D.C. Actually, I really love the rain--makes me feel all sentimental, intellectual and all around
depressed in a good way. "Depressed" as in listening to a worn out Morrissey cassette day-dreaming about distant crushes. All sappy, high-schooly, and probably utterly annoying to read someone describing it.
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