lolalita (lolalita) wrote,

Please don't read....

So in light of people looking at this thing,
here are some things I want you to know about me--since I don't have a home page at the moment.
I hope you don't shun me after learning these
seedy facts:


--I really love my Grandma...she helped raise me
and I feel very close to her.

--We go out to eat at fancy restaurants a lot,
and sometimes go on extravagent vacations.

--Yes, I feel privilaged to hang out with her, but sometimes she gets on my nerves--she has a way of pushing your buttons by pointing out your weaknesses.

---YET, I love her dearly and I worry about her recently because she is almost 80 and starting to feel it though in spirit she is much younger than I. Seeing her reminds me of death sometimes and I hate that. It is a warm pain I feel in my belly.


--I've dated the same boy for almost five years--since my second semester in college. We've had two bands together--one current. Met in German class--yeah--sehr pleisig!. We were friends and bandmates for at least 3 months before the lovebug hit. Lived together for about 4 years-still do.

--BUT, I'm very attracted to girls, and recently even more so. Lets just say I have ISSUES!
The term bi-curious makes me gag, cause the perception of that term is cheap to say the least.
I'm not into girls for fashion--god knows I coulda
pulled that shit in college, but why wait til
AFTER college when there's no weekly feminist circle or lectures to attend!?

--I haven't really "come out" anywhere, besides telling my boy, close friends--but what am I supposed to do--throw an outta the closet BBQ or something?! It's funny...somethings you just don't learn.

--I feel pretty shitty about it because I feel like a flake, or like I'll be perceived as a flake even though it is 95--well, maybe 90% in my head.

--I am also rather frustrated--no sense of community, don't know if I even want
a community--but how the hell do you meet
girls? Do I sound like a dirty old man or what?
I mean, this sounds like the most obvious thing
in the world--but I don't know shit about it!

---I guess I've been struggling with the whole
identity politics stuff, I mean I don't want
a new lifestyle, I like mine just fine, I just want to meet nice girls who want to go out with me.

--Really, almost all of my friends, until recently my co-workers, and my bandmates are men. I think
I've been afraid to hang out with women for fear
of attraction.

--BUT having a b-friend doesn't exactly make me a hot commodity--and I understand why.
He says it is fine, I can have a girlfriend but
words are sooo far removed from actions in
situations of the heart such as this.

--All I do know is that I need to figure out
myself--before anyone gets too hurt. But seems like I have to hurt someone to do this! Fuck me..or, rather, don't!

--SO when in doubt, run away! Yup, that's the best solution I've thought of so far. Run away to
Olympia, Wa. home of the punk-rock-dykes and
open relationships! Oh, some bands come from there too, I think.

--Actually, I have unhealthy infatuations with people I do not really know. I feel like I'm filling myself with popcorn, no real

--The fact that I'm running this topic swiftly into the ground here must point to the fact
that my feelings are more than fashion and
mere curiosity! It is on my mind CONSTANTLY!

--Do I enjoy this, NO! Guilt has got to go!!
But how?

--"It's a four square world, baby
Ain't no room for a boy and a girl"



I have more random things to reveal..but
I am sleepy now and starting to drool.
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